Head in the clouds: The things that airline pilots say
Head in the clouds
The things that airline pilots say
I have nothing personal against airline pilots as a profession, but I am
intrigued by their need to be chatty, sometimes well and truly beyond the point
of providing essential information to passengers. Granted that far fewer people
are familiar with the nuances of their job than say a bus driver’s, but it’s
rather presumptuous of them to think that the vast majority are enamored by
flying; most flyers want simply to get from point A to point B. Perhaps, this
is a vestigial tradition handed down from ages ago when flying held a
fascination for the lay person. Or maybe it has something to do with the
personality type of the people who become pilots. This oft repeated quip comes
to mind: “How do you tell if there is a pilot in your party?” Answer: “He’ll
tell you!”
That being as it may, my problem is with having to listen to idiosyncratic
inanities as part of a captive audience. The one which easily takes the cake is
this gem, frequently heard on one particular carrier. After letting you know the
altitude and speed at which you are currently flying, the pilot goes on to inform you that
“..the outside temperature at this altitude is minus 50 degrees, but for your comfort
and convenience (sic), the cabin
temperature is maintained at a pleasant 24 degrees.” Hail the omnipotent being
in the cockpit for It’s kind benevolence!
And there are the nerdy ones to contend with. I remember one pilot go on and on about
the history and origins of the Boeing 777-ER (Extended Range) aircraft, and how
it could fly non-stop without refueling for so many thousand kilometres. I am
pretty certain many passengers on that late evening, transcontinental flight were
not impressed with his extended
range. And then there was one pilot who began benignly enough by informing us
that “.. 17 minutes after take-off we made contact with the ATC tower at X
airport, and then were handed over to the ATC at Y airport…” He then proceeded,
incredibly, to list in great detail, all the ATCs that were contacted over the 5000 odd kilometres we had covered till then! I overheard an elderly passenger
tell his wife matter-of-factly: “This man knows his way”!
Some remarks from the cockpit are much more disconcerting. On one occasion,
we were still holding at the parking gate an hour after the scheduled departure
time. The pilot finally came on air and let us know that “..the on-board
computer was malfunctioning” and that they had shut it down and “rebooted it several
times” to no avail. All this would’ve been fine if we hadn’t taken off 10
minutes later, without another word from him! I presume it was just Windows
acting up!
Finally, it would be unfair of me if I didn’t acknowledge the occasional
witty ones, who are the saving grace. We were going in to land at a busy
international airport on a cloudy, damp day. When we were just a few feet above
the runway, the plane suddenly accelerated and took off again. After we had
gone around and landed safely, the pilot came on air to tell us that there was
another plane on the runway. “Balmy weather, not the guy’s fault,.. so that’s
why we had to go around once again”. He then added cheerfully, “Don’t worry
folks, there will be no extra charge for that!”
I suppose pilots chatting to passangers reassure me that the plane is flown by humans and not just computers!
ReplyDeleteThey are flown by computers, largely!
DeleteLovely read... certainly embodied thoughts we all have from time to time.
ReplyDeleteMade me think about what the lesser of two evils would be... TMI or none at all when clearly there's something amiss? Perhaps, they ramble on simply to make up for those times when they are silent in the face of gravity. Case in point was when lightning recently left us in darkness and silence for about 5 mins - not a word from the cockpit.
Mark
This is a very important topic. It makes me very nervous on airlines where the pilots offer no chit chat. Very often on Swiss and Easyjet out of Geneva the pilot only comes on towards the end of the flight. For all I know, they have no idea where they are going. I consider the pre-departure announcement a critical part of the checklist. Although, I find it quite shocking how often they are completely wrong about the weather to expect on arrival! I have not been lucky enough to hear the full ATC routing, but I will be suggesting that to the airline I fly regularly.
ReplyDeleteI did have a TMI experience leaving Nairobi. We boarded the plane but after an hour delay on the ground the Captain announced that the Auxiliary Power Unit (APU) was not working and that the ground starter unit was also broken, so they couldn't switch the engines on. He then explained that the APU wasn't necessary to fly. Eventually we were offloaded while they found another ground starter unit. At the gate, people started discussing what other things the mysterious APU handled and how critical it was. Several people refused to reboard the plane, knowing it would not be working for the duration of the flight. For those of us who reboarded, the Captain reassured us that he had three children and would not fly the plane if he thought there was a chance he would not see them again. A hush fell on the plane after we took off for about 60 minutes. This is one area where "minor technical issue" would suffice.
Agree with you Jeremiah!
Delete